I was a global warming activist until it became simply too cumbersome to launch protest in my sub zero parka and faux fur ushanka.

I love to be hit up for money every time I interact with a checker. I mean seriously, what goes together better than charitable donations and grocery shopping? Apparently nothing.

No sh%t.

Well, that’s clearly 30 seconds of my life I’ll never get back. Again.

No, really, I wanted to use Google.
But thanks for not asking. Bing.

So we’re stickin’ with the pop-up, huh? Makes sense. Why would you deviate from a marketing tool that guarantees to dazzle, amaze, and annoy the living sh%t out of potential customers?

This is complete bullsh%t — Oprah was totally robbed!

Two-words: Hunger. Strike.

Kevin has sworn to open a can of Chuck Norris on someone if he hears the word Tokee-yo again. It’s Toke-yo beeotch.

Can’t you kids misplace your adoration on Miley Cyrus like the rest of us?

But, if all else fails, play the race card. The password is……….racist.

Really SNL? I’m guessing Chevy Chase wasn’t available?

So, is 8 in reference to the number of kids they have, or the number of babysitters that find “Jon” simply too delicious to resist?

Since when did they make Lee Press On’s for Men?
Lady Fingers are for dessert only, dude.

Pat, I’d like to buy a consonant, and possibly reading classes for my friend.

Trucker 57,  Your shower is ready.

Dude, like I want you touching my junk. I barely even know you.

If you want, I could jog in place and juggle a few plates here while I’m at it.