Yup, it’s locked.

Is that clear? Kathy.

I love to serve politicians, but for some reason they never get seated at my table.

I thought it was “Ryan Seacrest out”. Why must we announce everytime a pig leaves the room?

I’m pretty comfortable with shoving a cow through a grinder, but that’s clearly where it ends.

….and I call all my lady friends jockstrap.

Nor-Cal. That’s so So-Cal

About five years ago, I formally announced that I would no longer use the ‘FR’ combo. This is what happens.

I would expect all government funded agencies to be equally well informed. I tried to get underage prostitution start up advice at the local post office — and they didn’t know s%!$.

So the whole vampire thing, that’s an inside joke right?

I’m actually glad you don’t pick up your feet when you walk. At least we now know what a human-sloth hybrid looks like.

I’m doing my best to grab my groceries and get out of the large woman’s way behind me, could you please bundle my receipt in with a wad of loose change and shove it in my hand, yeah thanks, that would be great.

Geez, am I sure glad you were behind me, I had absolutely no idea what to do when I saw that weird orb dangling over the intersection change from red to green.

I love the soothing sounds that eminate from your pen when you break into your little audio-water-torture routine. Click, Click, Clicky. Just Click it in, Just Click it in.

I love the rain. When I wield my mightly umbrella, I literally rule the kingdom. And when I say kingdom, I mean sidewalk.

Remember that time, before Al Gore invented the internet, when nobody even knew about the @ symbol and we had to completely bust a hump to spell out the entire word? Yeah, that was cool.

Everything’s better with bacon, right?

Is the winner the guy who shoves the most food in his water-soaked-hot-dog hole, or the guy who’s chair first buckles under the enormous pressure?

The best part about super tall chef hats: there’s a place for your weed.