It’s so cute that you can make your goofy little puppet hand say Bye Bye.

I wish someone would have told me posthumously really just meant “after death” — all these years I’ve been using it describe enormously fat people who lost a bunch of weight.

My favorite portion of the dental experience is when Dude starts interrogating me while he’s knuckles deep in my mouth. It does however make me a little nervous when he assumes my gurgled responses are part of an avoidance tactic — I’ve heard they can do some pretty rough stuff with rinse water.

Look Pinnochio, I don’t need to be buttered up with your stupid acronyms.

Or what I like to call passengers putting their crusty little feet on the dashboard for fellow highway travelers to see, enjoy, and get car sick over.

You guys are idiots, everybody knows it’s supposed to be “that’s insides the point”.

When I said I was never leaving 3rd grade, dude, I meant it.

…that just sucks.

Crop dusting the office with your Drakkar Noir drenched body is actually quite efficient — it simultaneously eliminates any annoying agricultural pests while permanently destroying my entire olfactory system.

…when your mouth is clearly full of food. Um, well, it appears to be edible.

The federal government sent about 3,900 economic stimulus payments of $250 each  to people who were in no position to use the money to help stimulate the economy: prison inmates.

That’s just great. Looks like I’ve been screwed, yet again, by my ridiculous law abiding ways.

If I’m not mistaken the proper use is actually “mmmmm, delicious”.

Really VH1? I mean you guys really nailed it with the first season, you sure you want to mess with that magic?

So now, is this like a house arrest situation, or what?

The problem with soul patches: they totally kill resale value.

I know it’s confusing, but on this planet, we pronounce the TH combo as more of a thhh sound, less of a DUH!

Crap. Why didn’t someone tell me the government was buying garbage?

Oh…surely you must mean Kidney-Garden: the place where delicious human organs are grown and harvested.

It’s not one coat and you’re done……….for life. Maybe you should use primer next time.

The Glee Club wouldn’t have anything to do with me, but Safeway, on the otherhand, welcomed me with big open arms….., and a creepy notion to monitor my shopping habits for the next 10 years.

When you’re already president, I think it’s pretty safe to park the tour bus.

A sure sign that those hilarious little Facebook developers must have read 100 Ways to Usefully Employ the Double Entendre in a Semi-Professional Setting.

You’re must be hearing things again.

When I can save up enough money, and my mom says it’s okay, I plan to get a super sweet tattoo of a face…, on my face.

The only time it is remotely acceptable to use the term verklempt is If your life takes such a ridiculous turn that you are actually feeling verklempt. At that point, I doubt you’ll have any friends left, so in reality, nothing you say will matter anyway.

Way to tell that worthless little no talent $%^%#@ what time it is.

It’s like living in turn of the century Russia, without even leaving the house.