I wish dressing like a shameless hussy when you’re 12 was in style when I was 12. What a rip-off.

In case you were wondering if I wanted to read your ass — the answer is…, not really.

The only reason I even dream of voting is because       P. Diddy said so. He also does my taxes and advises me on health and auto insurance matters.

Surreal Life gave us Strange Love. Strange Love gave us Flavor of Love. Flavor of Love gave us I Love New York. I Love New York (with a little help from Rock of Love) gave us I Love Money and Charm School. I Love Money gave us Real Chance of Love — which is sure to give us the VH1 ratings juggernaut I Love Contagions and Communicable Disease.

I usually just watch the news to get my daily dose of weird disgusting crap, but sometimes I’m left a little unfulfilled. Fortunately there are movies like SAW, SAW II, SAW III, SAW IV, SAW V and, (fingers crossed) SAW VI to make sure my mind is full tilt on worthless garbage.

Take the DAY off to VOTE? Yeah, last time I voted it took me way over 8 hours too. It’s just so complicated, all those letters and stuff. Thinking is hard.

Tattoo turtlenecks may be costly and painful, but just think of the many doors they open to wonderful career opportunity and future advancement. No pain, no gain, right?

Prepare to be mesmerized. Look for the manwich with the beard.

I try to stay away from MySpace these days, it just makes me feel all Finkle is Einhorn, Einhorn is Finkle. Can you pass the sanitizer.

Mostly I just thank my lucky stars you’re not calling them the triplets.

Finally a hairstyle the Shim Community can be proud of.

Sure, I’d like to shake my Talibon Bon, but this Burka gets a little suppressive on the dance floor.

Can we safely assume that you also bite your toenails?

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Quite frankly, you had me at 30 minutes.

As a matter of fact I actually do like to extract ketchup from a sealed  bottle. The ensuing mockery I get from my BBQ mates really does a lot to get the party started.

I can’t understand hwhy the hell you would pronounce such a simple hword with such an idiotic accentuation.

Weird, I had no idea that sheer slothen laziness was an inalienable right.

Sorry Guy, France is that way. Sharp left at the ladies locker room.

This term has grown tiresome. I prefer to talk about someone far more entertaining and unpredictable. Like Barry the Socialist.

Forever’s a long time — you sure you wanna be saddled with that loser?

I saw a man shave
Barreling down the fast lane
Pull over asshole

Sorta like the real thing; only way gayer.

I just want to know where this term was 8 years ago — when Hillary Clinton was First Dude?

As a Leprechaun-American, I find this totally offensive.

I didn’t know kids could grow beards.

Or what I like to call that guy in the ’street racer’ that revs his engine and demands eye contact at the light — even though you’re in a mini van.

Good Luck Buddy, I bet you win — you have a way faster car than, um, … yourself.

Excuse meh?

Pat, I’d like to buy a consonant.

Or what I like to call, you speeding up just to prevent my lane change.

Apparently, the mere sight of my blinker was all it took to wake you from your long winters nap in the fast lane.

You can’t hide behind your cute little acronym; we all know what the F stands for — and it’s definitely not (F)ruit.

You know, I think you might actually be right.

So far, my Honor Student hasn’t quite figured out how to get a full grown adult to clean his fresh crap off the lawn — and I see your Dachshund has.

Once I’m told not to go there, I’ll definitely go there, as a matter of fact, you can meet me there, cause I’ll already be there — with bells on.

I appreciate when people tell me in advance how many words they plan to use in their next statement. It gives me a better idea of how many seconds of my life I’ll never get back.

Ever since Wall Street chunked it, the term “Main Street” has been used and abused more than the sole Port-A- Potty at Woodstock 2.

Like I have jumper cables strong enough to propel you into your dramatic little One-Idiot show.

America: land of the free, home of the super verbally lazy.

What not to wear? I’ll tell ya what not to wear. How ’bout that shirt.

At least have the common decency to cover up that untamed man fur with a giant gold medallion, would ya.

You mean to tell me I just slowed down in a school zone for nothing? It may be cool to be different, but it’s definitely not cool to be annoying.

Why not just put a pair of scissors in your mouth while you’re at it. Don’t tempt me, I will trip you.

Looks like alls I need to do now is slap that stupid hillbilly word right out of your vocabulary.

Trust me, no crap is better than that crap.

You mean that shit spins?