Mmmmm, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom…

…when clearly you need to kick your own.

yeah, that’s right. I said it.

So, in other words, any submissive bowing.

But, if all else fails, play the race card. The password is……….racist.

I would expect all government funded agencies to be equally well informed. I tried to get underage prostitution start up advice at the local post office — and they didn’t know s%!$.

Crap. Why didn’t someone tell me the government was buying garbage?

When you’re already president, I think it’s pretty safe to park the tour bus.

It’s like living in turn of the century Russia, without even leaving the house.

Since the media stopped covering the election I barely know who’s even running for president anymore.

Thank goodness you’re too lazy (or too lame) to remove that bumper sticker from your car. Now when I travel back in time to vote, I won’t feel quite so clueless.

Instead of spending all your time attending rallies and crafting signs and merchandise to support “Our Dear Leader”, perhaps I can interest you in a book. A history book.

What? Hello Kitty isn’t good enough anymore?

I see how you are.

Today, I am faced with possibly the most important decision of my adult lifetime.

………hmmmmm, free coffee, free donut, free beer or free body piercing? Free coffee, free donut, free beer or free body piercing?

The only reason I even dream of voting is because       P. Diddy said so. He also does my taxes and advises me on health and auto insurance matters.

Take the DAY off to VOTE? Yeah, last time I voted it took me way over 8 hours too. It’s just so complicated, all those letters and stuff. Thinking is hard.

Sure, I’d like to shake my Talibon Bon, but this Burka gets a little suppressive on the dance floor.

Weird, I had no idea that sheer slothen laziness was an inalienable right.

This term has grown tiresome. I prefer to talk about someone far more entertaining and unpredictable. Like Barry the Socialist.

I just want to know where this term was 8 years ago — when Hillary Clinton was First Dude?

If your opinion can seriously be swayed by what you see or hear in a political ad, you might actually be too stupid to vote.

Cut the poor guy some slack, it’s not his fault Nancy Pelosi is a mere 2 heart beats away from the presidency.

Judging by the reaction, you’d think she was threatening to raise taxes and socialize medicine or something. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Come on dude, you’ve seriously been in this country longer than I’ve been alive. Lay off the Rosetta Stone already.

When you have only a vague recollection of the candidate, the time might be ripe to scrape their weather rotted campaign sticker from your car. Al Gore? hmmmm, oh yeah, the name does sound vaguely familius. Isn’t he the guy who invented global warming?

If you, and maybe two other guys, are the only ones that actually show up to your bi-weekly roadside peace rally, it’s probably time to pack away the upside down flag and start writing your manifesto.

Hillary Clinton seems to wear the color yellow in a completely disproportionate ratio to the other colors of the rainbow. You know what else is yellow? Flowers. The Sun. Butter. Urine.

“My Friends”

For some reason, every time I hear John McCain use the term “My Friends” I flash back to that time I was meeting with Brezhnev in ‘78, only instead of friends, he kept using the term comrades, (which I’m pretty sure is Russian for ‘friends’).

The term Obamakins refers to Republicans who support Barack Obama. The problem is, an actual Obamakin is about as realistic as a unicorn, which as we all very well know, can only be seen during a flashlight tour at Neverland Ranch.

No matter how hard it is, you should absolutely resist the urge to pretend the back of your car is a gigantic piece of poster board and your collection of weird political stickers are cute little floral prints.