Or what I like to call a Semi and/or crappy RV passing another Semi and/or crappy RV that is going basically the same speed. Extra points for the jack ass that does it on the incline.

That really puts the wtF in Festive.

Kevin has sworn to open a can of Chuck Norris on someone if he hears the word Tokee-yo again. It’s Toke-yo beeotch.

Yup, it’s locked.

I thought it was “Ryan Seacrest out”. Why must we announce everytime a pig leaves the room?

Geez, am I sure glad you were behind me, I had absolutely no idea what to do when I saw that weird orb dangling over the intersection change from red to green.

Crap. Why didn’t someone tell me the government was buying garbage?

Delicious, but way too rich for my taste.

What one word comes to mind when I think of chameleon paint? hmmmm, I guess it would have to be classy.

Almost the exact and polar opposite of polishing a turd.

Or what I like to call that guy in the ’street racer’ that revs his engine and demands eye contact at the light — even though you’re in a mini van.

Good Luck Buddy, I bet you win — you have a way faster car than, um, … yourself.

Or what I like to call, you speeding up just to prevent my lane change.

Apparently, the mere sight of my blinker was all it took to wake you from your long winters nap in the fast lane.

You mean to tell me I just slowed down in a school zone for nothing? It may be cool to be different, but it’s definitely not cool to be annoying.

Trust me, no crap is better than that crap.

You mean that shit spins?

Now seriously, what the hell is that supposed to mean?

You know you’re on the cutting edge of hideousness when even Lamborghini doesn’t use Lamborghini doors anymore.

Imagine the full ozone assault you get to pull off while you wait 25 minutes for your eco friendly cup filled with organic chai.

Hey Todd, be sure to wear the sky blue helmet today. It’s your turn to ride bitch.

Thank goodness you have your vehicle properly marked, you, my friend, just saved me the hassle of getting out with my tape measure at the next intersection.

Geez, talk about big man in a little coat.

I just thank my lucky stars that I have fake shatterproof glass in my windshield. That fake half baseball might have broken my fake half skull.

From what I can tell, only really cool people take up more than one parking space. And by cool people, I think I might actually mean inconsiderate a-holes, but I’m not really sure.

I bet you totally kick ass on your little dirt bike buddy, but does that really constitute the need to slap the word Racing on the end of your name and immortilize it in sticker.

If you ask me, the very best place for a magazine rack is the front seat of your car, that way, whenever you get bored with driving you can just pop open a book or spread out a newspaper. Other good time killers while you’re driving: texting, shaving, applying makeup, and my personal favorite, eating ribs.

Or what I like to call busting ass to get in front of someone then slowing waaaaaaay down. The super best part about this choice of driving style is that it almost never causes accidents. I mean seriously, how could it?

You gotta be shittin’ me. You mean you actually had the balls to throw a Honda motor in that, uh, Honda?

I guess you really can’t polish a turd.

How could a tiny fictional boy actually hold that much urine? I think Calvin might need some DETROL® LA.

As a general rule, I think pedestrians should always take their sweet, sweet ass time in crossing the street. When you find yourself between the perceived safety of the cross walk, traffic laws are all that matter, the laws of physics and perhaps even gravity can readily be discarded.

When you have only a vague recollection of the candidate, the time might be ripe to scrape their weather rotted campaign sticker from your car. Al Gore? hmmmm, oh yeah, the name does sound vaguely familius. Isn’t he the guy who invented global warming?

When I find myself in the ever confusing four way stop situation, I am ever grateful for that guy at the opposing stop sign who’s there to gesture me to safety. Even more appreciated, and not at all annoying, is when Happy Hands insists that I kindly go ahead of him, when it’s my turn anyway.

Also known as the ‘Motorcycle of Ladies and Fine Gentlemen’. A little known fact: motorized scooters must be ridden side saddle, at all times. Google it.

Nothing says safe driving fun like a soft fluffy air bag.

Listen Green Flakes, when you go full electric, get back to me.

I guess it’s just not enough to throw on a wife beater and put in a chaw anymore, is it?

Geez, I was just getting ready to ram your car when I noticed that stupid Baby on Board sign. Great. I guess I better ease up and go find some other car to
smash into.

I guess it does take a lot of energy and forethought to ease your entire arm up to that little lever that protrudes from your steering column. Besides who seriously has the stamina to move it one direction or the other, not me my friend, not me.

See that light on your dash. Now it’s off. Now it’s on. Now it’s off. Now it’s on.

So, when you’re on the freeway, and that lane change you made 10 minutes ago is complete, let’s shoot for “flashing light off”.

The last time I rode in one of these fine motorcars, I think I was on my way to the most kick ass prom of the year. No, no, wait a minute, it might have actually been that time I was dating an 80’s hair-band front man on a VH1 reality show. Either way, money sure can buy class, am I right?

A really great way to announce to the world and every creepy weirdo in it what your name and the names of all your children is, is to have a small stick-like sticker family in your back window. Hey “Timmy”, your mom “Tina” told me it was okay if you took this candy and helped me find my dog. My van is this way, Timmy…

No matter how hard it is, you should absolutely resist the urge to pretend the back of your car is a gigantic piece of poster board and your collection of weird political stickers are cute little floral prints.

That’s weird. I hadn’t even noticed what a flaming nerd you were til you hopped aboard your little futuristic dork machine.