Since when did they make Lee Press On’s for Men?
Lady Fingers are for dessert only, dude.

Trucker 57,  Your shower is ready.

When I can save up enough money, and my mom says it’s okay, I plan to get a super sweet tattoo of a face…, on my face.

As refreshing as it is to have my captains quarters sprayed with bacteria infested water spriglets, if given the choice, I might actually prefer to leave the toilet before I flush it.

Tapout? How ’bout Tap-in…..to that seldom used grey matter you have sloppin’ around in that half beaten skull ya got there.

I mostly just like slobbery dog kisses because they’re so efficient — one kiss and I get to taste the wrong end of every dog in the neighborhood.

Quite frankly, I don’t think I want anything, most certainly food, off any location that has been previously “bellied up to”.

I’m glad to see the toymakers finally answered my call. For years I’ve been sitting around wishing they would just hurry up and create a defecating toy wrapped in a creepy baby shell. See, dreams do come true.

I usually just watch the news to get my daily dose of weird disgusting crap, but sometimes I’m left a little unfulfilled. Fortunately there are movies like SAW, SAW II, SAW III, SAW IV, SAW V and, (fingers crossed) SAW VI to make sure my mind is full tilt on worthless garbage.

Can we safely assume that you also bite your toenails?

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

This does a lot to explain the butter ring in my toilet.

Good Lord it’s 2008 already, are you trying to tell me the science doesn’t exist to just breed one of these things.

By the way, for desert, I think I’ll have the Red Velvet cake with a Kahlua brownie shoved up its ass.

Clearly (and hopefully) what you meant to say was that you needed to leave a dump.

Oh, that’s just lovely.

The good news: I think your teeth antiquing project is coming along very nicely.

For some reason, whenever I see a dude in super short shorts, it makes me think of sun kissed avocados. Hmmmm, that’s weird.

When I go camping, I always like to use those automated showers where you insert 25 cents for 30 seconds of spray. The weird thing is, I don’t remember inserting any quarters while I was talking to you, yet, here I am covered in 30 seconds of spray.

Now that human horns are back in style, I guess I can finally show that damn mountain goat exactly who’s in charge around here.

And if it’s brown, for the love of everything decent, flush it down.

If I ever really want to examine your piping fresh urine, I’ll hand you a small plastic container with your name on it. Until that cold day in hell arrives, do a favor and push that shiny silver knob that protrudes from the porcelain on the top of ye olde water closet when you’re done.

I thought we agreed that if I would stop planting grass and flowers in your litter box, you would stop letting your dog crap in my yard 4 times a day. What an Indian giver.

Otherwise known as following some stupid animal around and picking up his discarded fecal matter with my own human hand. Talk about reverse evolution, if this keeps up, Fluffy’ll be the one holding the leash in less than a million.

I’m pretty sure there’s never a good reason to ever answer your cell phone whilst using the bathroom in a public facility. The day I heard someone answer their cell phone mid-stream in the stall next to me was the day I secretly vowed to never ever touch someone else’s cell phone unless I could first swab it down with a solution of 98% rubbing alcohol.