Since when did they make Lee Press On’s for Men?
Lady Fingers are for dessert only, dude.

Nor-Cal. That’s so So-Cal

The problem with soul patches: they totally kill resale value.

It’s not one coat and you’re done……….for life. Maybe you should use primer next time.

When I can save up enough money, and my mom says it’s okay, I plan to get a super sweet tattoo of a face…, on my face.

Hairstyle wise, I’m pretty sure you can never go wrong with Roman Empire fashion sense. If all else fails, just ask for the George Clooney, circa 1995 - it obviously works like a champ.

Does that come in leopard print?

I wish someone could please tell me when this futile exercise in anthropological fashion would end. Rest in peace already cartoon human skulls.

Get off my bike you F%#king Hippie!

I’m mostly just not sure how well this thing’ll reheat.

I love this little jewel so much, I plan to wear it for the rest of my life — or at least until I can afford to replace it with some unsightly laser scar tissue.

Of course I use product. I put product on my product.

Style wise, I’m pretty sure you can never go wrong if you simply model your facial hair after that Boris guy on Rocky and Bullwinkle.

What? Hello Kitty isn’t good enough anymore?

I see how you are.

I wish dressing like a shameless hussy when you’re 12 was in style when I was 12. What a rip-off.

In case you were wondering if I wanted to read your ass — the answer is…, not really.

Tattoo turtlenecks may be costly and painful, but just think of the many doors they open to wonderful career opportunity and future advancement. No pain, no gain, right?

Finally a hairstyle the Shim Community can be proud of.

Sorry Guy, France is that way. Sharp left at the ladies locker room.

I didn’t know kids could grow beards.

What not to wear? I’ll tell ya what not to wear. How ’bout that shirt.

At least have the common decency to cover up that untamed man fur with a giant gold medallion, would ya.

You must be either A) a baby getting ready to pose for his first portrait, or B) a golf pro — and quite frankly, I’m not very fond of either. Beat it nerd.

It’s not so much the growing season that bothers me, but your continuous crop dusting is murder on my allergies.

For some reason, whenever I see a dude in super short shorts, it makes me think of sun kissed avocados. Hmmmm, that’s weird.

A really good way to say “hey, I get to be the white guy”.

Poor misguided teenage Count Choculas. The wise man learns from others’ mistakes, the fool learns from his own.

Or what I like to call the zombie of all footwear. Apparently this is  one fUGGly fashion statement that’s just never gonna die.

Ew, what’s that smell? — Well, it’s certainly not victory or success.

Germany: commited to the look of 1987… since 1997.

It’s not just a statement, it’s a lifestyle.

If you plan on wearing shorts to the office, they better damn well be Daisy Dukes.

The party doesn’t have to stop just because you hit the water. Plus, mirrored swim goggles sure come in handy when your lane mate needs to check his girlish figure.

For the first two days of the Olympics I thought there were actually co-ed relays. Seriously, is that extra .02 time gain worth the humiliation?

You might think it’s cute to dress your clueless child in this mockery of swim wear now, but wait til the poor dumb hairy oaf is still wearin’ a Speedo at 45. It won’t be so cute then, will it?

When you have to fight your son for the Aquanet — and he suddenly integrates the word diffuser into his vocabulary — it might actually be a good time to introduce him to the business end of the local barber.

After a nice dip in the chilly waters of the ocean or pool, I like to wrap my man parts in a nice fluffy towel, then high step it through the parking lot to my car, all the while appearing as though I’m really just enjoying the privacy of my own locker room.

Way to make your footwear a real Mandle of all seasons.

Unless your major form of transportation involves like a camel or something, I’m pretty sure there’s never a good reason to slap on leather half shoes so the world can enjoy your obvious lack of pedicure.

I think your manscaping wants to be emancipated.

Is that a sea urchin on your chin, er, are you just happy to see me?

Goofy shirt, goofy guy. Now if only Disney’ll create a character named Dumbass, we’ll be all set.

That’s a great costume, but weren’t you Kobe Bryant yesterday?

Every time I slip on my awesome Converse all stars, I say to the hell with what actually looks good. I mean I can totally handle being decades out of style, I just wish that voice in my head that keeps rooting for the Indiana Hoosiers would shut up.

It takes a real man to have so much hardware so close to his software.

That’s one hat box that should’ve never been opened.

No, you can not paint your nails and eat them to.

If my smokin’ hot career as a movie extra ever goes south, at least I now have a fool proof strategy to land my partially covered ass and/or torso on the top of every gossip rag in the blogosphere.

If nature’s already done half the work for you, why not just shave the rest of that shiz off and stop embracing the head fringe?

I just don’t get it, if you cut off the sleeves, where do the cigs go?

Not to worry, that super hideous tattoo you have may look completely stupid now, but just give it a few years, I can practically guarantee that it’ll look totally awesome when you’re older.