Well, that’s clearly 30 seconds of my life I’ll never get back. Again.

No, really, I wanted to use Google.
But thanks for not asking. Bing.

So we’re stickin’ with the pop-up, huh? Makes sense. Why would you deviate from a marketing tool that guarantees to dazzle, amaze, and annoy the living sh%t out of potential customers?

If you want, I could jog in place and juggle a few plates here while I’m at it.

Remember that time, before Al Gore invented the internet, when nobody even knew about the @ symbol and we had to completely bust a hump to spell out the entire word? Yeah, that was cool.

Look Pinnochio, I don’t need to be buttered up with your stupid acronyms.

A sure sign that those hilarious little Facebook developers must have read 100 Ways to Usefully Employ the Double Entendre in a Semi-Professional Setting.

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have no idea what I did with myself all day before I knew what you did with yourself all day.

iSuper sick of this naming format.

And by SPAM, obviously I’m referring to the annoying unsolicited email that clogs my system and fills my recycle bin — not the savory delicious mystery meat with the cute can and cult following.

The world very well may be your oyster, but I’m pretty sure it’s not your conference room.

Talk about discrimination. I’ve waited five years for the chance to Press 3 for the Queen’s English — but I guess we’ll never see that, will we?

Like I really want your sloppy seconds. Get that viral corn outta my face!

Or what I like to call doing every asinine stunt you can dream up just so you and your goofy little friends can be on YouTube.

Stupidity can be a cruel, cruel mistress.

Now that men are having babies, I think we all know that human cloning is next on the docket. And quite frankly, I can hardly wait. Once I have successfully cloned myself ad nauseam, I’ll finally have an elite circle of friends that I can actually stand to be around.

If your main source of music ends in the word ‘man’, I think it might be time for you to join the rest of us in the shiny new place we like to call the 21st century. I know your gig as volunteer docent on the living history technology tour must have killer pay and bennies, but quite frankly, I’m worried you might slip a disc jack-assing that gigantic music maker around the gym all night.

I’m pretty sure there’s never a good reason to ever answer your cell phone whilst using the bathroom in a public facility. The day I heard someone answer their cell phone mid-stream in the stall next to me was the day I secretly vowed to never ever touch someone else’s cell phone unless I could first swab it down with a solution of 98% rubbing alcohol.

SERIOUSLY, IS IT SO HARD TO MOVE THE PINKY FINGER OVER TO THE RECTANGULAR KEY CLEARLY LABELED SHIFT AND GIVE IT A GENTLE TAP, WHEN NEEDED, INSTEAD OF SUBJECTING THE MISFORTUNATE RECIPIENTS OF ALL YOUR STUPID MESSAGES TO SOME HAZE INDUCING CAPS LOCK STUPOR?

Yeah, we know, we know, you have the technology, and you’re not afraid
to use it.