I’m so confused. Is producing a litter of children a good thing then…, or not?

My tip rate is 5 cents per ounce.

Uh, yeah, I saw it the first time.

I love to be hit up for money every time I interact with a checker. I mean seriously, what goes together better than charitable donations and grocery shopping? Apparently nothing.

No, really, I wanted to use Google.
But thanks for not asking. Bing.

Dude, like I want you touching my junk. I barely even know you.

Yup, it’s locked.

Is that clear? Kathy.

I’m actually glad you don’t pick up your feet when you walk. At least we now know what a human-sloth hybrid looks like.

I’m doing my best to grab my groceries and get out of the large woman’s way behind me, could you please bundle my receipt in with a wad of loose change and shove it in my hand, yeah thanks, that would be great.

Geez, am I sure glad you were behind me, I had absolutely no idea what to do when I saw that weird orb dangling over the intersection change from red to green.

I love the soothing sounds that eminate from your pen when you break into your little audio-water-torture routine. Click, Click, Clicky. Just Click it in, Just Click it in.

I love the rain. When I wield my mightly umbrella, I literally rule the kingdom. And when I say kingdom, I mean sidewalk.

It’s so cute that you can make your goofy little puppet hand say Bye Bye.

My favorite portion of the dental experience is when Dude starts interrogating me while he’s knuckles deep in my mouth. It does however make me a little nervous when he assumes my gurgled responses are part of an avoidance tactic — I’ve heard they can do some pretty rough stuff with rinse water.

…that just sucks.

Crop dusting the office with your Drakkar Noir drenched body is actually quite efficient — it simultaneously eliminates any annoying agricultural pests while permanently destroying my entire olfactory system.

…when your mouth is clearly full of food. Um, well, it appears to be edible.

So now, is this like a house arrest situation, or what?

Oh…surely you must mean Kidney-Garden: the place where delicious human organs are grown and harvested.

The Glee Club wouldn’t have anything to do with me, but Safeway, on the otherhand, welcomed me with big open arms….., and a creepy notion to monitor my shopping habits for the next 10 years.

Way to tell that worthless little no talent $%^%#@ what time it is.

It’s like living in turn of the century Russia, without even leaving the house.

You must be looking for audio wars. Can’t miss it, take a hard left at 1987 — it should be in the parking on the corner.

As refreshing as it is to have my captains quarters sprayed with bacteria infested water spriglets, if given the choice, I might actually prefer to leave the toilet before I flush it.

Is that a 1950’s home phone in your pocket….., or are you just a nerd.

I merely prefer to see my food, not see through my food.

I can’t think of any situation that actually demands a buck naked foot to show up unannounced in an otherwise fine piece of photography. Unless of course, that foot is enjoying an ice cold beer.

Get off my bike you F%#king Hippie!

I didn’t think there was anything that could make the musical stylings of Kanye West any more hideous. Boy was I wrong.

Considering the fact that I mortgaged my house and signed away my first born child to get into this little production, you’d think I might be spared the paid advertisements while I’m trying to enjoy my $75 drink, popcorn and Ju-Ju Bee combo meal.

The only thing this is saving is the sheep I’m not counting.

Why stop at sneezing? I take pride in blessing all bodily functions.

Free Grand Slam breakfast. Yeah, I’d say that’s worth at least 4 hours in balmy 23 degree weather. Definitely.

iSuper sick of this naming format.

I like to walk out of my local Target without being shoe horned into a 7 minute schpill on the death of the environment and the evils of corporate America (slash) membership drive. But ya know, maybe it’s just me.

Can I help you……Sir?

I don’t know what’s more annoying — the term, or the process.

I like to spend my free time worrying about what other countries think of the U.S. Mostly I just imagine the day when Euros are as excited to see Americans as they were in say……1944.

It’s probably a good time to tell you that those giant people on the enormous screen in front of you — um, yeah, they’re not real.

Instead of spending all your time attending rallies and crafting signs and merchandise to support “Our Dear Leader”, perhaps I can interest you in a book. A history book.

As much as I like my package to soak up the elements while it waits unannounced on my front porch — it might actually be time for UPS and FedEx to tell their employees about that magic little button erected on most houses. It’s called a doorbell.

How many straps, zip ties, twist ties, fasteners, and holders does it really take to restrain an action figure?

Apparently, like a zillion.

As a matter of fact I actually do like to extract ketchup from a sealed  bottle. The ensuing mockery I get from my BBQ mates really does a lot to get the party started.

Weird, I had no idea that sheer slothen laziness was an inalienable right.

You know, I think you might actually be right.

So far, my Honor Student hasn’t quite figured out how to get a full grown adult to clean his fresh crap off the lawn — and I see your Dachshund has.

Why not just put a pair of scissors in your mouth while you’re at it. Don’t tempt me, I will trip you.

Oh, that’ll make me do it faster.

How ’bout I just put that in front of the other two hundred emails you sent me that need to be done A.S.A.P.

They claim the amount of licorice produced each year could circle the globe 40 times — I just hope my Twizzlers didn’t go through farm country — if ya know what I mean.

Rock. Paper. Scissors are for the weak.