The only thing more annoying than Katherine … is Sophie.

I’m so confused. Is producing a litter of children a good thing then…, or not?

Okay, so what’s it gonna cost me to get Britney Spears to shave her head again?

So, is 8 in reference to the number of kids they have, or the number of babysitters that find “Jon” simply too delicious to resist?

I love to serve politicians, but for some reason they never get seated at my table.

Hairstyle wise, I’m pretty sure you can never go wrong with Roman Empire fashion sense. If all else fails, just ask for the George Clooney, circa 1995 - it obviously works like a champ.

This is an act, right?

I didn’t think there was anything that could make the musical stylings of Kanye West any more hideous. Boy was I wrong.

I’m assuming the name “I’m a Complete Douche Get Me Out of Here” was already taken.

Rock of Love 1, 2, and Charm School clearly should have been on this list as soon as they were announced –  but somehow the oddly entertaining human train wreck became my guilty pleasure.

As for Rock of Love 3… I guess you have to draw the personal dignity line somewhere.  Bret, are you with me?

Full Saturation. Mission Accomplished.

The only reason I even dream of voting is because       P. Diddy said so. He also does my taxes and advises me on health and auto insurance matters.

Surreal Life gave us Strange Love. Strange Love gave us Flavor of Love. Flavor of Love gave us I Love New York. I Love New York (with a little help from Rock of Love) gave us I Love Money and Charm School. I Love Money gave us Real Chance of Love — which is sure to give us the VH1 ratings juggernaut I Love Contagions and Communicable Disease.

Rock. Paper. Scissors are for the weak.

Oh….so that’s what happens when you serve laxatives and sleeping pills at a Quilting Bee.

Come on dude, you’ve seriously been in this country longer than I’ve been alive. Lay off the Rosetta Stone already.

Thanks for nothin’ Ozzy.

…….in a Disproportionate Ratio to the Rest of Society It’s super awesome to be a celebrity these days. Not only are you adored and admired for no logical reason; but the laws pertaining to traffic, taxes, and apparently those of nature, barely even apply.

If you’re ever at that point in your recording career where you’ve sucessfully released the same album like 347 times, I think you can probably call it good.

So then, I guess soul-selling really does run in the family?

That’s one hat box that should’ve never been opened.

If my smokin’ hot career as a movie extra ever goes south, at least I now have a fool proof strategy to land my partially covered ass and/or torso on the top of every gossip rag in the blogosphere.

Simply having or adopting a baby is good for some pretty decent extra attention, but that’s really no way to work that mini cash cow that just landed in your lap. Be smart about it for heaven’s sake, get out there and sell photos of your private and personal moments and tell your stupid self important story to every magazine on the rack. Chuk-Chinga.

Since when did the off spring of people that play dress up and pretend to be somebody else all day for a living become so popular? Bump Watch. Baby Watch. Baby, blah, baby, blah, blah, blah, blah, who fricken’ cares?

Can’t somebody just bring back the golden calf already?

So now that the Apocolypse is definitely upon us, keep a look out for your save the date card. I’m planning an awesome Hellfire BBQ and Weenie Roast in my killer backyard. Casual Attire. B.Y.O.B.

Good news marginal looking celebrities! Just hang in there long enough to secure a spot on a successful sitcom, news program or movie, then as if by magic or sheer wizardry, your average-ass looks will suddenly be considered sexiest alive.

Or what I like to call the practical joke that just keeps giving. It might sound like fun at first, but the adrenaline rush you’ll get out of punking your newborn is sure to fade, and then you’re just left with the kid named after a piece of fruit. Right, Gwyneth?

…to include Seasons I, II, III, all reunion shows, audition episodes, commercials, and promo material.

Um, isn’t Flavor Flave like 80, 85 now? Should VH1 really be encouraging all these clearly misguided young girls to date this half crazy geriatric boy-man?

Unfortunately for the likes of Fabio, the low cut blouse for men has never quite gained full acceptance. We do however applaud Simon Cowell for braving the no-mans-land of fashion, and embracing his inner pirate.

The only time it is acceptable to wear sunglasses inside a building is when you’re staring on Celebrity Poker Tour. Because then that would mean you’re a celebrity, and I think celebrities have to wear sunglasses, really big ones, at all times, in and out of doors, right? If you’re a celebrity, that part of sun glasses that says sun, is optional, there doesn’t even have to be a sun, just the bright shiny lights of stardom.

I remember that sad day when some lazy celebu-writer melded the names of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez to form the name Bennifer. Apparently you really can’t un-ring a bell and now we’re forever and eternally stuck with names like TomKat, Brangelina, UnFitney, and Obamakins. Great.