16Dec
I gave little Timmy the keys to the car and the reigns to the family budget and it’s been nothin’ but Happy Meals ever since.
16Dec
Up to and including: yous, whateves and for reals, with extra emphasis on yous.
From here forward, an extra s may only be added to the word jack asss.
16Dec
Also accepted: cakes that looks like anything but cake, and/or cakes that cost more than my car.
14Dec
Listen up TLC, you’re already asking a hell of a lot out of me to tolerate the existence of these shows individually, please don’t make me shoot my own TV….again.
14Dec

Let me get this straight, so now you’re telling me after everything that you say that you were just saying what you just said? Should I be taking notes?
23Nov
Timmy loved flying to grandma’s house, especially during that one 3 minute window when he got to pretend he lived in Soviet Russia.
23Nov
Pop-ups are so universally well received on the internet, why wouldn’t they be used in television?
16Nov
I think I liked it better when the American flag wasn’t offensive to people that were here, oh, I don’t know, ILLEGALLY.
Filed under: Politics, WTF?
16Nov
Annoying, yet dazzling. Hmmm, maybe I do want to buy your crappy insurance.
15Nov
Soooo, would it be weird of me to like your last post?
Filed under: Media, Technology
15Nov
So wait, am I supposed to put on a sweater and turn down the thermostat, or make stupid environmentally themed movies that require the use of enough energy to power a small nation for three years?
31Jul
Mmmmm, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom…
31Jul
I thought we weren’t suppose to talk about man-cave.
22Jul
Or what I like to call a Semi and/or crappy RV passing another Semi and/or crappy RV that is going basically the same speed. Extra points for the jack ass that does it on the incline.
01Jul
Oh yeah, I forgot, we’re all just citizens of the world now.
01Jul
Okay, so what’s it gonna cost me to get Britney Spears to shave her head again?
Filed under: Celebrity, Media
13Jun
…when clearly you need to kick your own.
13Jun
For everyone who wasn’t listening last time. When you turn 16 around here, you get a driver’s license, a cheesy birthday party and the keys to the car…. not a compass, a one man craft and a 30 day supply of food.
29May
My tip rate is 5 cents per ounce. So let’s get on it sister.
29May
Uh, yeah, I saw it the first time.
07Feb
yeah, that’s right. I said it.
07Jan
So, in other words, any submissive bowing.
16Dec
Just checked. Yup, December 25 still says Christmas.
16Dec
That really puts the wtF in Festive.
Filed under: Traffic/Auto
15Oct

I was a global warming activist until it became simply too cumbersome to launch protest in my sub zero parka and faux fur ushanka.
14Oct
I love to be hit up for money every time I interact with a checker. I mean seriously, what goes together better than charitable donations and grocery shopping? Apparently nothing.
12Oct
Well, that’s clearly 30 seconds of my life I’ll never get back. Again.
12Oct
No, really, I wanted to use Google.
But thanks for not asking. Bing.
12Oct
So we’re stickin’ with the pop-up, huh? Makes sense. Why would you deviate from a marketing tool that guarantees to dazzle, amaze, and annoy the living sh%t out of potential customers?
09Oct
This is complete bullsh%t — Oprah was totally robbed!
Two-words: Hunger. Strike.
08Oct

Kevin has sworn to open a can of Chuck Norris on someone if he hears the word Tokee-yo again. It’s Toke-yo beeotch.
08Oct
Can’t you kids misplace your adoration on Miley Cyrus like the rest of us?
08Oct
But, if all else fails, play the race card. The password is……….racist.
Filed under: Media, Politics
08Oct
Really SNL? I’m guessing Chevy Chase wasn’t available?
07Oct
So, is 8 in reference to the number of kids they have, or the number of babysitters that find “Jon” simply too delicious to resist?
Filed under: Celebrity, Media
07Oct
Since when did they make Lee Press On’s for Men?
Lady Fingers are for dessert only, dude.
06Oct
Pat, I’d like to buy a consonant, and possibly reading classes for my friend.
04Oct
Trucker 57, Your shower is ready.
01Oct
Dude, like I want you touching my junk. I barely even know you.
01Oct
If you want, I could jog in place and juggle a few plates here while I’m at it.
Filed under: Media, Technology
17Sep
I love to serve politicians, but for some reason they never get seated at my table.
17Sep
I thought it was “Ryan Seacrest out”. Why must we announce everytime a pig leaves the room?
17Sep
I’m pretty comfortable with shoving a cow through a grinder, but that’s clearly where it ends.
17Sep
….and I call all my lady friends jockstrap.
16Sep
Nor-Cal. That’s so So-Cal