Mmmmm, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom…

I thought we weren’t suppose to talk about man-cave.

The only thing more annoying than Katherine … is Sophie.

Or what I like to call a Semi and/or crappy RV passing another Semi and/or crappy RV that is going basically the same speed. Extra points for the jack ass that does it on the incline.

I’m so confused. Is producing a litter of children a good thing then…, or not?

Oh yeah, I forgot, we’re all just citizens of the world now.

Okay, so what’s it gonna cost me to get Britney Spears to shave her head again?

…when clearly you need to kick your own.

For everyone who wasn’t listening last time. When you turn 16 around here, you get a driver’s license, a cheesy birthday party and the keys to the car…. not a compass, a one man craft and a 30 day supply of food.

My tip rate is 5 cents per ounce.

Uh, yeah, I saw it the first time.

yeah, that’s right. I said it.

So, in other words, any submissive bowing.

Just checked. Yup, December 25 still says Christmas.

That really puts the wtF in Festive.

I was a global warming activist until it became simply too cumbersome to launch protest in my sub zero parka and faux fur ushanka.

I love to be hit up for money every time I interact with a checker. I mean seriously, what goes together better than charitable donations and grocery shopping? Apparently nothing.

No sh%t.

Well, that’s clearly 30 seconds of my life I’ll never get back. Again.

No, really, I wanted to use Google.
But thanks for not asking. Bing.

So we’re stickin’ with the pop-up, huh? Makes sense. Why would you deviate from a marketing tool that guarantees to dazzle, amaze, and annoy the living sh%t out of potential customers?

This is complete bullsh%t — Oprah was totally robbed!

Two-words: Hunger. Strike.

Kevin has sworn to open a can of Chuck Norris on someone if he hears the word Tokee-yo again. It’s Toke-yo beeotch.

Can’t you kids misplace your adoration on Miley Cyrus like the rest of us?

But, if all else fails, play the race card. The password is……….racist.

Really SNL? I’m guessing Chevy Chase wasn’t available?

So, is 8 in reference to the number of kids they have, or the number of babysitters that find “Jon” simply too delicious to resist?

Since when did they make Lee Press On’s for Men?
Lady Fingers are for dessert only, dude.

Pat, I’d like to buy a consonant, and possibly reading classes for my friend.

Trucker 57,  Your shower is ready.

Dude, like I want you touching my junk. I barely even know you.

If you want, I could jog in place and juggle a few plates here while I’m at it.

Yup, it’s locked.

Is that clear? Kathy.

I love to serve politicians, but for some reason they never get seated at my table.

I thought it was “Ryan Seacrest out”. Why must we announce everytime a pig leaves the room?

I’m pretty comfortable with shoving a cow through a grinder, but that’s clearly where it ends.

….and I call all my lady friends jockstrap.

Nor-Cal. That’s so So-Cal

About five years ago, I formally announced that I would no longer use the ‘FR’ combo. This is what happens.

I would expect all government funded agencies to be equally well informed. I tried to get underage prostitution start up advice at the local post office — and they didn’t know s%!$.

So the whole vampire thing, that’s an inside joke right?

I’m actually glad you don’t pick up your feet when you walk. At least we now know what a human-sloth hybrid looks like.

I’m doing my best to grab my groceries and get out of the large woman’s way behind me, could you please bundle my receipt in with a wad of loose change and shove it in my hand, yeah thanks, that would be great.

Geez, am I sure glad you were behind me, I had absolutely no idea what to do when I saw that weird orb dangling over the intersection change from red to green.

I love the soothing sounds that eminate from your pen when you break into your little audio-water-torture routine. Click, Click, Clicky. Just Click it in, Just Click it in.

I love the rain. When I wield my mightly umbrella, I literally rule the kingdom. And when I say kingdom, I mean sidewalk.

Remember that time, before Al Gore invented the internet, when nobody even knew about the @ symbol and we had to completely bust a hump to spell out the entire word? Yeah, that was cool.

Everything’s better with bacon, right?

Is the winner the guy who shoves the most food in his water-soaked-hot-dog hole, or the guy who’s chair first buckles under the enormous pressure?