I gave little Timmy the keys to the car and the reigns to the family budget and it’s been nothin’ but Happy Meals ever since.

Up to and including: yous, whateves and for reals, with extra emphasis on yous.

From here forward, an extra s may only be added to the word jack asss.

Also accepted: cakes that looks like anything but cake, and/or cakes that cost more than my car.

Listen up TLC, you’re already asking a hell of a lot out of me to tolerate the existence of these shows individually, please don’t make me shoot my own TV….again.

Really Seaside? Really?

Let me get this straight, so now you’re telling me after everything that you say that you were just saying what you just said? Should I be taking notes?

Timmy loved flying to grandma’s house, especially during that one 3 minute window when he got to pretend he lived in Soviet Russia.

Pop-ups are so universally well received on the internet, why wouldn’t they be used in television?

I think I liked it better when the American flag wasn’t offensive to people that were here, oh, I don’t know, ILLEGALLY.

Annoying, yet dazzling. Hmmm, maybe I do want to buy your crappy insurance.

Soooo, would it be weird of me to like your last post?

So wait, am I supposed to put on a sweater and turn down the thermostat, or make stupid environmentally themed movies that require the use of enough energy to power a small nation for three years?

Oh em gee is right.

Mmmmm, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom…

I thought we weren’t suppose to talk about man-cave.

Or what I like to call a Semi and/or crappy RV passing another Semi and/or crappy RV that is going basically the same speed. Extra points for the jack ass that does it on the incline.

Oh yeah, I forgot, we’re all just citizens of the world now.

Okay, so what’s it gonna cost me to get Britney Spears to shave her head again?

…when clearly you need to kick your own.

For everyone who wasn’t listening last time. When you turn 16 around here, you get a driver’s license, a cheesy birthday party and the keys to the car…. not a compass, a one man craft and a 30 day supply of food.

My tip rate is 5 cents per ounce. So let’s get on it sister.

Uh, yeah, I saw it the first time.

yeah, that’s right. I said it.

So, in other words, any submissive bowing.

Just checked. Yup, December 25 still says Christmas.

That really puts the wtF in Festive.

I was a global warming activist until it became simply too cumbersome to launch protest in my sub zero parka and faux fur ushanka.

I love to be hit up for money every time I interact with a checker. I mean seriously, what goes together better than charitable donations and grocery shopping? Apparently nothing.

No sh%t.

Well, that’s clearly 30 seconds of my life I’ll never get back. Again.

No, really, I wanted to use Google.
But thanks for not asking. Bing.

So we’re stickin’ with the pop-up, huh? Makes sense. Why would you deviate from a marketing tool that guarantees to dazzle, amaze, and annoy the living sh%t out of potential customers?

This is complete bullsh%t — Oprah was totally robbed!

Two-words: Hunger. Strike.

Kevin has sworn to open a can of Chuck Norris on someone if he hears the word Tokee-yo again. It’s Toke-yo beeotch.

Can’t you kids misplace your adoration on Miley Cyrus like the rest of us?

But, if all else fails, play the race card. The password is……….racist.

Really SNL? I’m guessing Chevy Chase wasn’t available?

So, is 8 in reference to the number of kids they have, or the number of babysitters that find “Jon” simply too delicious to resist?

Since when did they make Lee Press On’s for Men?
Lady Fingers are for dessert only, dude.

Pat, I’d like to buy a consonant, and possibly reading classes for my friend.

Trucker 57,  Your shower is ready.

Dude, like I want you touching my junk. I barely even know you.

If you want, I could jog in place and juggle a few plates here while I’m at it.

Yup, it’s locked.

Is that clear? Kathy.

I love to serve politicians, but for some reason they never get seated at my table.

I thought it was “Ryan Seacrest out”. Why must we announce everytime a pig leaves the room?

I’m pretty comfortable with shoving a cow through a grinder, but that’s clearly where it ends.

….and I call all my lady friends jockstrap.

Nor-Cal. That’s so So-Cal